Sunday's Sofa-Surfin' Sidenote(s) -



I spent eight hours driving this weekend (four hours there and four hours back) getting Liam to baseball camp on the other side of the state (Del Ray Beach). With little more to see than cows on the side of the road, and annoying trucks full of oranges slowing me down, it was a snoozefest of a roadtrip. This can only mean way too much time for Kerry's warped and disgruntled grey matter to be idle. In typical fashion, I ended up with lots of useless ponderings on the universe. Have been compiling a list in my head of the things that really annoy me about humanity, American humanity in particular. A short list:

1. Nincompoops who drive at or below the speed limit in the left-hand lane. Something very strange happened while we were living overseas. I came back to a nation full of people who don't understand what the left lane of the highway is for. If you are not going to drive at least 10-20 miles/hour faster than the speed limit, then get the Hell out of the left lane. And even then, if someone comes up behind you and is literally riding your ass, GET OVER. It's not complicated, people. I couldn't possibly begin to count the examples of this in my eight hours of driving. On the highway of life, these morons can't possibly hope to get far. Never mind driving in Eastern Europe - they'd be guardrail fodder before they knew what hit 'em. Rather than complain about this unmitigated nightmare and do nothing, a group called Left Lane Drivers Unite! has come up with a brilliant idea. I'm not on the highway enough to warrant it, but if I were a regular road-tripper, I'd be all over this decal for my windshield...
   
2. Proud pet-owners (sorry, but this is mostly older women) who dress their little dogs in clothing, push them around in strollers, and sit them at the table in restaurants. WTF? Ranted about this on FB yesterday (the clothing part, at least), but it's still stuck in my head, rattling around. I have little dogs, and I absolutely don't get it. What's it all about? They are not human - THEY ARE DOGS!!! I must have seen at least fifty couples yesterday having a day out at the arts and crafts festival with their pseudo-children. BIZARRE is not the word. And the strollers...are you serious??
3. Nitwits who find it utterly necessary to sit on their cell phones in a public place and make sure everyone is listening and taking note of how important they are. Bleh!!!! Stopped to get ice cream with Liam last night and the bozo to the right of us just kept calling people, talking obnoxiously loud, and yammering on about absolutely nothing. To the left, there was some broad who, while clearly distraught and in need of counseling, talked so loudly that every person within a block knew what was happening in her life. GO AWAY already, you freaks, and let us just enjoy the simple pleasure of an ice cream cone on a warm summer's eve!
4. Bimbos waiting next to you for the elevator who feel the need to jump on when the doors open, before anyone has a chance to get off. This is also applicable for buses, subways, and well...pretty much anywhere people are coming in and going out. Common courtesy dictates...just have a little patience. Getting on or off that elevator ten seconds faster is not going to make the trip any shorter. Had my hands full of coffee and juice yesterday, waiting off to the right for the doors to open and people to get off (breakfast rush hour). Chick flys up and jumps on before anyone gets off, and comes within a millimeter of sending my hot coffee flying through the air. I am usually pretty good about refraining, but had no choice but to say something.
5. Last one, promise. The jackass in front of me at the grocery store, who stands there for ten minutes watching Sally scan his/her (again, usually her) groceries. Then, when Sally has finished, (s)he starts to dig furiously through her bag for (a) a stack of coupons that she hasn't yet sifted through and (b) a checkbook - could have probably already filled out that check, no? ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I love coupons, use 'em all the time. Again, I stand somewhere off to the side and pull out the ones I need before handing them to the cashier when she starts scanning. I also use a credit card to pay for my groceries. Hello???? Welcome to 2010.

Okay. I'm done. For now. I'm not an angry person. I'm not a big complainer. Still, what the heck is going on out there? Rhetorical question. Very simply, the world is full, I mean overflowing, with self-important, egocentric, ding-dongs. I am not highly intelligent, more enlightened than the next guy, or in possession of the secret to functioning effectively in society. Truthfully, one day spent out and about in Moronville, on the road or in the grocery store, and I seriously just want to stay home for a month.